With Valentine's Day just around the corner, I thought I'd share just a couple of the sweet delights in this world that I secretly admire. Of course, this is in the hopes that they'll get my message, not be turned off by my creepiness, and in turn feel compelled to return the admiration through any physical, monetary, or downright kinky awards and favors.
1. Big Companies Who Advertise (boldly) Their Privacy Policies. Google is the latest giant that now takes every opportunity to post a little bubble in my blog and search pages with a simple message about "our privacy policy has changed - this stuff matters". As if I don't know that. But we both secretly know that you don't respect my privacy at all, since how would you build a commercial empire without it? Perhaps you don't care that I ate Chef Boyardee last week - oh wait! You do care! As does the local Safeway that swipes my personal ID, I mean Perks, Card to ensure I get the best value at the counter and effective advertisements at my door. You know, I don't think it is even called a "Perks" card. That's a fading remnant from the times when supermarkets had to tout their data-mining cards as "Advanatge"-ous. Nah, now they just say "Card". Anyway, to all the card promoters, supermarket and credit variety, I love your BOLD privacy policies. They really just make me feel that I am totally in control (and responsible) for ensuring my privacy. Much like how an investment firm sends thousands of pages of prospectuses to keep me informed and active in managing every dollar of my funds at all times. I really do feel empowered. And this fit of strength just has me rolling over in joy for your heartfelt poems of self. All the fine print and all.
2. Feel Good Slogans With Double, Triple, or 200 Meanings. You know what I'm stalking about. All the cute catch phrases that advertisers tack onto a product or service. "Happiness. In Store.", "Life Good", "Good. Clean. Fun.". It's bad enough that I can't wrap my head around the multiple meanings of what my girlfriend says, but these make it SO MUCH EASIER to grasp 2 or more distinctly positive meanings and to strongly associate their eloquent beauty with a particular franchise. If only my girlfriend would say "Piss. Off." then we could more efficiently convey the range of emotions and instructions directed at me, her primary customer.
3. The word "Rant". Face it, "rant" normally gets a bad rap. Nobody respects a "rant". Connotation-wise, it is associated with an irritable old grump or an exceptionally fired-up bitch. Phonetically, it rhymes with negative words such as can't, pant, and shant. Conjunction-wise, it would be what you'd get if you crossed a rat with an ant, and nobody cuddles with those creatures. But I like the word. I might not like all that other crap that it associated with, but the word is concise and clearly effective at conveying the message. And like the saying goes, don't shoot the messenger. But feel free to shoot the panting bitches who just saw a rat.
Man, this is what I get for flipping through "I Drink For A Reason" right before jumping into a post. A great book, but easy to get caught up later Writing Under the Influence.
